And This Is What You Get With Early Mornings.

Awake at 6 this morning, but actually well rested. I forgot how cold it is at this time in the morning. Or how dark it is. Or even how quiet it is. It's really been about 3 yrs since I actually woke up at 6 and decided to stay up. I was in high school then which makes me feel really old now. Three years of the same lofty goals; 1) I want to write some songs and figure out something cool to do with them, 2) I want to meet someone interesting enough to remain a challenge the rest of my life, and lastly 3) I want to move to a city where I can do whatever and walk anywhere anytime. And you know I haven't fully accomplished any of these. Sure I still write songs and what not but I can never get anything to sound with them or vise-versa. I met some ladies, really awesome along the way but that never worked out. And I even lived in a big city, well close to one. I lived about 10 miles west of Salt Lake City wishing I could have actually been in the city doing things. Starring at those lights at night. So in a way I've been close, but then it's pulled from me and I look like a fool without accomplishment. I feel like a failure without a prize and a million other analogized things I could make up. But I guess the real problem here is that over this last year and a half or so I've been taken so far away from these almost made goals that I am kind of a failure now. I am nowhere near any kind of goal so much so that I struggle to find a starting line to begin again. I check my phone like a freak out all the time seeing if this job has called me or that job has and I always get nothing. And it's been that way for the last year and a half, it gets really discouraging some days. Kind of like a "nobody wants you" kind of feeling. But it also makes me think of high school again. My mom worked a lot, being as she was and still is a single mom working to do everything. Though things have finally gotten easier for her as she is in a good financial place and has this nice house now and everything for her is good, which makes me really happy. But when I was in school all she ever wanted was for my sister and I to do well. There was never any talk about beyond high school so I guess there was the main problem with everything. She was so busy trying to sustain everything that there was never a push for her kids to do better. I tried to always do go and work my hardest to make my mom happy and never really gave a real thought to after school. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do when it was all over. I will admit that I am a bit of an aimless person most of the time and a lot of the things I do wouldn't and probably don't make sense to a vast majority of people but that's just how I am. The only choice I made then was that I at least wanted to not go to college right away and actually see what life was and I still stand behind that choice 100% to this day. I still want to make those goals I have realities, somewhere in me is that fire still no matter of fucking petty the light flickering is now, it's still there. I still try to write (obviously if you read this you can see that), I still look for that awesome girl and I still want to live in a city where I can pretty much do what I want. After this I will still check my phone like a freak out and wait for that call that'll change everything. So I guess all in all I'm not so far gone now, I just can't see all of what I want or have because I'm still that aimless kid.   

Figures

I really wish there was another time besides 1 in the morning where I could sit alone and have some quiet time. But that would involve having my own place and furnature and whatnot and well I have a dollar to my name
and no job so I’m stuck with 1 am.

Breakers

So I’ve hit rock bottom, I mean my life can’t get any lower than this. I mean I almost filled out an application for McDonalds. Why did that almost seem like a good idea?

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Ask me something, I mean if you are reading this you have about as much to do as me. http://formspring.me/nosleeptilhome

The Christmas blog should be the 100th one, right?

Merry Christmas guys and gals. I love all of you so here is a sorta gift. It should
make you laugh

The bitter truth

There is a bitter subject in me my friends, it's been in me a long time. This is mostly because it's a subject most people take personal. It's religion. Now to start out I must say for the most part I'm athesist, I'm not crazy like you're led to believe athesist are. Even if some are, there also crazy religious people. Crazy isn't a specific picking thing, it pretty much spreads over everything and everyone. Growing up my family never went to church. It was just something we didn't do. I really knew nothing about religion until I was in school and even then it didn't mean much to me. Probably because it was nothing I knew about. I had never been in a church until some neigbhors we had decided to take me in as a special project because I was young and they had cool stuff around like wooden dinosaur replicas. I thought there were awesome. But in this process was a deal, they would show me this cool stuff if I went to this church craft making thing with them, of course I went cause I like dinos and wanted to mess with the ones they had. But after the church experience and seeing the dinos I never went back. Being a kid of six I got what I wanted and ran. I guess by today's standards these neighors could have been so much more suspicious, like something you'd see on CSI with missing kids and all but that has nothing to do with this. It wasn't until many years and cities later that religion reentered my life. It was after my parents divorced and my dad being the asshole he is started going to church to try and look like the great father to single women and look like the great tenent to his landlords, which still drag his ass around to this day. I guess this reappearence and divorce really made me see both who my dad was and what religion could really be. He used it to his own advantage. But really he wasn't the only one, a large percent of these people who went there only seem to be there to look better. After awhile when it stopped working for him so much he stop going and he went on being himself. If you can't tell from the times I talk about it I don't like my dad because of who he is. Before this year I didn't talk to him for about three years because of him in jail and I wanted nothing to do with him. Those years were good ones for me. I graduated, lived on my own, had friends and odd experences. Life was good. Then I started looking for jobs and then the religion reentered again in the form of a beautiful girl, well actually a couple. The girls both being very religious people kinda left me in the cold, but didn't keep me from trying and in the end failing. The jobs were few and actually not going to church or holding a religious background kept me from getting a job. I, while not completely sure, think that this lack of religion kept me from getting closer with either of them. Either that or just who I am as a person. I while part of the person I play on here am somewhat a shell of a man from this past year. I mean who wouldn't be after surviving a tornado, having my whole world turned upside down, going from being very on my own to living at home again not being able to find a job or have a car and having most of the people that were in my life disappear. I don't blame anything for all of this, it just is bad timing mixed with everything else. Though it is not a bad thing this happen, this mass cut tie with people showed me who are true people. A more karma like thing. Though the funniest thing now, it really bothered me when it happen, was the fact people were saying they had prayed for me. It's funny now because well my stand point with religion. Then not so much because I was very bitter with the idea of religion and god. Why take all these people, who are good people and toss them to shit? Why take these peoples lives and make them into commercials for your so called awesome weather radar? Why were there other people who only wanted to get in contact with me just because they wanted to use me as a story to make themselves better, while not caring what happen to all these people? But before tornado days and moving were my life I went with a then friend to Utah. Which before I start I will say don't really do unless you are some kind of religious person. It'll make your life so much easier. See going out there with this friend I was pretty much lied to about everything. I was told that everything would be easy no matter who you are, people are nice there and so on. It ended up being so much different, I felt like I walked around with signs on my back that screamed "sinner" and "athesist" when I walked around. The people I stayed with pretty much made my life a hell because I stood for what I believed in. Trying many times to try and drag me to church telling me it would make me feel good. And I lived like this for three months until I found a way home. It was really being out there that made me see that religion is what people use to make themselves look good to fellow people. At least that's what it is to me. I don't mean to offend you in any way this is just how I feel about it. I, in the times I had been in churches and shown religion never felt any different than I do any other day. If it works for you good. Though it leaves me worries, religion that is, not you. Because being a thing so many people hold close it continues to leave me in the cold. I want to find a girl, like so many others and do that whole life thing but it makes it harder with this strike to many already against me. Being as it happen once and will probably happen again. The only thing I can do is stand strong to what I believe and that's about it. I've seen how religion effects people, or more so how people effect it and how it's used in wrong ways. I stand to stay away from it.

The Failures Decree

I haven't posted much here lately because well there's nothing new to really talk about. I'm sorry to anyone who might have ever checked this blog out, though I doubt there were many. Thank you for your readership. In this next year I'm going to try and spice up this dead life again. So I guess I'll talk to you then, or when the next coolest YouTube comes around.

Hey

Formspring

Ask me questions, I'll answer anything.

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What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

Lotion, I broke my arm a few years ago and while drugged up on pain meds I ate some for some reason.

Ask me anything

Welcome December

This is the last remaining part of the first guitar I ever bought. It's hard to really see but those pinks and yellows are actually dolphin stickers.