I'm tired, tired of being this person that just gets walked all over. All my life this is who I've been. A floor mat for the world of sorts. I find out all these things that just leave me mentally exhausted. Things that no kid should ever know. I feel I have to be honest and just say I have father issues. These are the things on my mind, I try to shroud them in this mystery of words to make it sound interesting but at the end of the day I'm just hurt. These are things that when I try to talk about them I'm just shut down by my family. But then that shouldn't be a surprise for me because as a whole my family has never been one to actually talk about how we feel. My mom and sister just keep everything inside, bottled up and never to be spoken about and I am the bleeding heart emotional one that talks too much but it all ends up being jibberish. It's what I'm good at I guess, I mean when I'm putting up my front I can be pretty much anyone you want me to be. It's in my personality to be the giver and bend over backwards to make everyone else happy even if it means putting my own wants and needs and ideas on a back burner. I feel like it's my biggest downfall about myself and I guess that's why I am the one that's always walked all over. I want to give my all to help someone else, or at least try to be as much as I can for someone else and when you do that you make it easier to be hurt. At one point in my life I tried to keep everything bottled up. I was young and didn't think these were things people talked about because growing up they were things I'd never seen in person and I guess one day I broke. It was just this building up of too much all at once and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to talk to my mom because at that point I trusted her, I mean she pretty much raised my sister and me by herself. And after it happen all she could say was maybe I needed to talk to a counselor or something. I never did see a counselor but it's always been a thing that just stuck in my head when I start to get emotional. It's messed up. I love my mom dearly but seriously, a counselor. It was after that when I just started writing things down. Paper, pen, computer or blog I didn't care where I wrote something down I just wanted to do it because maybe if someone else read it and felt the same then they could know they weren't alone even if I felt I was. I, obviously, still do this just about every day somewhere. Just the idea of the possibility of being able to help is enough to keep me writing even if no one is really reading it or gives a damn. I did my part to try and make myself feel better. Because isn't that what it's all about at the end of the day, finding a way to clear head space. Every time I start writing something about not being happy it always by the end gets twisted into some kind of hopeful message. A message I write but never read, if you get what I mean. By time I finish this I'll go to sleep and wake up and still be like I am right now. No matter how hopeful I try to act I still feel lost inside. A little part of me will probably always feel that way. It's these ghosts inside me, the things I was never meant to know.