8trackgenerationgap

Swing 2

2011-04-04T10:34:00.001-04:00

Swing 2, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

8trackgenerationgap's photostream

2011-03-30T17:03:00.001-04:00

8trackgenerationgap's photostream on Flickr.

Saved Photos-714

2011-01-31T20:37:00.001-05:00

Saved Photos-714, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

R1-07990-0016

2011-01-22T22:15:00.001-05:00

R1-07990-0016, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

Saved Photos-674

2011-01-21T15:51:00.001-05:00

Saved Photos-674, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

Saved Photos-831

2011-01-16T12:26:00.001-05:00

Saved Photos-831, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

2011-01-14T23:58:00.001-05:00

, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

laundry

2011-01-14T20:34:00.001-05:00

laundry, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

Standing

2011-01-14T18:44:00.001-05:00

Standing, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

IMG_0948

2011-01-14T15:36:00.001-05:00

IMG_0948, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

2011-01-14T11:15:00.001-05:00

photo, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

2011-01-14T10:49:00.003-05:00

, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

photo

2011-01-14T10:49:00.001-05:00

photo, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

photo

2011-01-14T10:33:00.001-05:00

photo, originally uploaded by 8trackgenerationgap.

No Sleep Til' Home

2010-11-29T21:02:00.002-05:00

It's been a long, long time. This blog is pretty much dead, if you have any interest in reading anything I might have to say check out my other blog.

http://nosleeptilhome.tumblr.com

It started as a pretty senseless blog but over time has become my still senseless and half weight loss blog because that's what I do now. So I guess if you actually ever read this you can go there and get your fill of stuff.

Good day.

2010-09-17T08:00:00.001-04:00

Accidentally clicked a link and went down memory lane. See there was a girl I knew a long time ago, I won't mention names because that's not gentlemanly, but I would go so far to say she was beautiful and well still is. But that doesn't matter now. Telling a story of how she looks and how happy she looks with him won't make things different. It's won't make me wake up somewhere else with her under my arm like this was a weird dream. I still wake up in cold Indiana, trying to make a spot out back to bury these memories because I don't really need them anymore so allow me to dig another hole real quick. But anyways she was beautiful and oh so interesting. We had so many interests in common that I couldn't stop talking to her. That is my first problem, I get to into talking that I drown any idea of anything else. We talked and talked and of course I got interested in this girl because of her awesome but I stay too nervous to really say that. I act all Mr. Cool until I get crushing then I'm tripping over my own self in nervousness. It happened time and time again because there was time and time again to say something. With the nerves came and went the chance to maybe take things further, she lost interest. Maybe I jabbed on too long, maybe it was just a whim of a moment thing but either way I missed that chance. So we grow apart and like the hopeful boy I was I tried a few times to get the girl after she was gone. Invitation to a new years, maybe a movie date here, mix cd there. I try to wake the dead, but in real life the dead do not raise. And so more time passes and she found someone new and they are happy. She's probably better off because well he looks nice and stable and will let her talk too. It's been a lot of forgetting to get where I am. Hell it took forever for me to get to a point where I wanted to change. Too long for another person to wait, which is why I haven't tried to meet another girl in years. I now feel bad when I feel I might be dragging someone down, I quiet up when someone wants to talk, I've learn to at least act like a grown up when needed. I always fall for the pretty girls because the ones I find share similar interests and that's all it takes to pull me in. But I'm still just a rest stop between the cities of where you were and where you'll be when better comes around and I just have to live with that.

2010-08-23T15:38:00.001-04:00

What do you call it when you start to sort of under-grow everything you own? I have years and years of things that will only blanket me soon, it’s kind of weird to think about. Shirts that I’ve had no longer fit right, shorts I can actually pull over other shorts, jeans that you and me could both put our legs in (doesn’t that sound fun). All these things will in a few months be rendered useless for me and I’ve have to replace with things. It’s amazing how something fun can all at once change how you feel, how you look and pretty much how you live. I don’t have to worry about panic attacks anymore, no more pain and a lot less personally made stress. And to think it all came from a bike. Something as simple as two pedals, two cranks, some wheels and a frame with a sprinkling of nuts and bolts could change all of this. It’s fucking amazing. I don’t think I’ve even been this passionate about anything in my life. I mean there are very few things that I want to do every single day no matter how I feel or what’s going on around me and this has become number one on that list. I’ve rode in the hottest of days drown in sweat and felt like I was going to die and I’ve rode in the coldest of days when I thought I might freeze to death and no one would come to check on me. I plan to keep doing this no matter what is thrown at me because for once I will not be stopped, EVER!

2010-08-18T00:23:00.002-04:00

I'm tired, tired of being this person that just gets walked all over. All my life this is who I've been. A floor mat for the world of sorts. I find out all these things that just leave me mentally exhausted. Things that no kid should ever know. I feel I have to be honest and just say I have father issues. These are the things on my mind, I try to shroud them in this mystery of words to make it sound interesting but at the end of the day I'm just hurt. These are things that when I try to talk about them I'm just shut down by my family. But then that shouldn't be a surprise for me because as a whole my family has never been one to actually talk about how we feel. My mom and sister just keep everything inside, bottled up and never to be spoken about and I am the bleeding heart emotional one that talks too much but it all ends up being jibberish. It's what I'm good at I guess, I mean when I'm putting up my front I can be pretty much anyone you want me to be. It's in my personality to be the giver and bend over backwards to make everyone else happy even if it means putting my own wants and needs and ideas on a back burner. I feel like it's my biggest downfall about myself and I guess that's why I am the one that's always walked all over. I want to give my all to help someone else, or at least try to be as much as I can for someone else and when you do that you make it easier to be hurt. At one point in my life I tried to keep everything bottled up. I was young and didn't think these were things people talked about because growing up they were things I'd never seen in person and I guess one day I broke. It was just this building up of too much all at once and I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to talk to my mom because at that point I trusted her, I mean she pretty much raised my sister and me by herself. And after it happen all she could say was maybe I needed to talk to a counselor or something. I never did see a counselor but it's always been a thing that just stuck in my head when I start to get emotional. It's messed up. I love my mom dearly but seriously, a counselor. It was after that when I just started writing things down. Paper, pen, computer or blog I didn't care where I wrote something down I just wanted to do it because maybe if someone else read it and felt the same then they could know they weren't alone even if I felt I was. I, obviously, still do this just about every day somewhere. Just the idea of the possibility of being able to help is enough to keep me writing even if no one is really reading it or gives a damn. I did my part to try and make myself feel better. Because isn't that what it's all about at the end of the day, finding a way to clear head space. Every time I start writing something about not being happy it always by the end gets twisted into some kind of hopeful message. A message I write but never read, if you get what I mean. By time I finish this I'll go to sleep and wake up and still be like I am right now. No matter how hopeful I try to act I still feel lost inside. A little part of me will probably always feel that way. It's these ghosts inside me, the things I was never meant to know.

2010-07-19T07:28:00.001-04:00

We just fell apart, that's what I'll say. It was really a lot more than that made the last time I saw you, just that, the last time I saw you. Maybe it was the summer heat that took me away, or the long almost never ending nights that did it. We'll never really know, well not so true, I know why I did what I did but that's just mine I guess. But if I said I missed you I'd be lieing. I miss the idea of you, the idea that I could wake up and there would be someone to talk to while everyone else slept. We'd sit outside in the morning and just yawn, talking of what happen last night and how if I hadn't been such a wreckless sleeper you would have layed in bed with me. That's all I think we ever talked about. If one of us could manage to not take up a whole bed while sleeping then the other one would lay next to them. But that never happen because we were both wreckless sleepers. I sometimes think of you and those mornings and how you'd always make me waffles, even though they were from a toaster, and if I'd been older or smarter or maybe a little bolder how someone like you would have completely fit in my life right then. But I was young out of school and I don't really remember where you were at that point in life but we always said we would lay in bed together just to see if one of our wreckless bodies would take to the other one, but we never got that far and on mornings like today I wonder what that would have been like as I still haven't found anyone who would want to lay in bed with me and talk about nothing in particular in the morning three years later. I don't miss you I just miss the idea of what you could have been. I'm sure at some point when I pull it all together someone will come along because at this point I am a little older, smarter and ready to be more bold.

Tl;dr

2010-07-05T08:14:00.000-04:00

I can't sleep and have been up for a few hours mind racing with a pulse not too far behind it and I feel like telling a story because it might make it better. It's been a long time since I had one of these nights. It's been a busy and slow year all at once. Busy because we have this new place, were we've been for almost a year, and there have been little changes made here and there. Weekend warrior kind of projects like putting lights up or painting this different, maybe rearrange this, sweep this and clean that. And you know these projects are great but at 22 I was hoping for a little more. I remember when I was about to turn 17 for my birthday I wanted to go to a concert and I wanted to go by myself because I was a few months away from being able take the final drivers test and get my liscense and I thought it'd be cool to go somewhere like that for my birthday. So after awhile of thinking about it I finally worked up the nerve to ask my mom if I could do it and she said no. I remember being really confused and upset as to why I couldn't do it and then she suggested that it could be like a birthday party kind of thing and she would take my sister and me to this concert and we'd all stay the night in the city it was in and it'd be all fun. As it got closer and closer to my birthday I got excited and still thought it'd be cool if she'd at least let me drive down there after I'd taken the test that we still hadn't scheduled and it was still a no from her. A few weeks before the concert we were going to get tickets and really make plans for this trip and it ended up being sold out at which point my sister told us it had been for a few weeks. I was really disappointed for a long while after that and forgot all about even learning to drive and it was never really brought up again until after my permit had expired. So it ended up being double the disappointment and to this day has never really been talked about. Yeah that's right, if you're keeping score here, I'm 22 and I do not have a drivers liscense. I think this is the single biggest factor that messes everything else up in my life. It's depressing as hell to be this old and really not have much going for me. This has become one of the sappiest stories I've ever told. I don't ever blame anyone but myself for my problems, maybe if I'd been more persistent about this liscense thing and got it I might not be laying in bed not being able to sleep, I might not feel like I am completely hopeless you never know. I just always wondered why my mom never to this day has talked about it, but at the same time I do know why. See besides me being the emotionally outspoken one with all the feelings and jazz my family is pretty much the spokesmen for keeping everything bottled up inside. It's always bothered me not being able to talk about how I feel to them and whenever I've tried they just tell me to stop. It hurts and sucks and pretty every other not excited word but I never have figured out how to get through to them and I may never figure it out. Which also sucks. I'm just an emotional kid stuck on his little emotional island of a blog writting entirely too long things about how I can't stand up for what I believe in anymore because I never got a drivers liscense and can't find a job. That's kind of here I am right now. I'm sorry for all the rambling on and on about nonsense, I really am. I want what I currently don't have the testicles to go for and I should probably try to go to sleep again. So I'm going to try that.

This has been my today.

2010-06-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

Dirt, dirt and dirt

Yeah when I can't sleep.

2010-05-23T01:13:00.000-04:00

What the hell has happen to me? Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you've just somehow along the way lost yourself? I feel like this today, well not just today but it's really strong lately. Somehow I've found myself in a place where all I can do is think about everything I should be doing. I should be happy, I should be trying to write, I should be able to think about a future that I might want. I used to be so vibrant and crazy to be around but I'm like the fucking dead anymore. I've let you down. I've let you down big time. I rattle these same lines off at least once a week, I know. This really is a "same ol story" by now. It has been for a long time. I'm tired of telling it but it's the only feeling I have anymore. It seems like any other feelings I could have are picked to bones and left behind. It's an awful feeling, one in my lifetime I've had to be accepting of even I don't want to be. I don't know how they do it, they live like nothing but bad happens and then try to tell me I'm crazy for being dissatisfied with something. It just doesn't sit well with me, but if that one did there'd be a bigger problem I think. I haven't lost myself that much and I will try my hardest to not let it. I miss feeling excited, that bubbly feeling in my stomach where I might be doing the greatest thing in the world or I might throw up from nerves. You know? Well I guess most people wouldn't want to feel like they might throw up but it's the idea it makes. Just something or someone to be interested in. I don't miss you just the feeling that you gave me. I say this because a good number of the people who used to make me excited are ghosts to me now. But that just happens with time. We all grow apart from things we once loved. Truth is I pulled myself out of a number of this situations, I became the ghost. I from once found it in me to let certain people and places go because I just had to be out. It was tragedy and everything that came with it that just made me want to be alone because that's how I felt even in the most crowded room. No one likes the kid how has this issue or that issue and there have been friends I have that just accepted those things and I have that to keep me going and that makes me happy. I have to get started again with a life because I don't want to fully let these friends down after all they've done. I want to have something to look foward to again and fucking wake up with a purpose. I want to be ballsy enough again to walk up to that interesting girl I see and just be the hit I used to be. Tell her I like her bells or umbrella or something funny. I mostly want to laugh in the face of everything that makes me feel like shit anymore. I've done it once and dammit I am going to do it again.

Little Known Fact

2010-05-19T23:31:00.000-04:00

I don’t like girls that have the appearence of being breakable. And what I mean by this is when you see a girl and you think what you could do with or to or what have you with said girl and in one of these thoughts comes the idea “I could break that girl doing said task” then it’s not good and I lose my interest. I could have easily said was I like girls who look like girls, not swizzle sticks.

Phone Videos

2010-04-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

Friend on mini bike from Matt Hutter on Vimeo.

Driveway Rider from Matt Hutter on Vimeo.

Story Time

2010-04-26T00:12:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had one of those weird times when you remember some odd moment from the past? I remember when I was young for some reason I thought it would be a good idea to put red candy nerds in my ear because well as a kid there are only so many things you can stick up your nose before you need a switch of things. But see the thing is I did this brilliant idea and the candy got stuck in my ear and after trying to get it out I gave up with no moving of the candy from my ear. After a day or so I forgot about the candy in my ears and while at school I noticed there was this weird red goo coming out of my ear and well it was red candy. But for some reason I forgot all about the candy thing and the first thing that came to mind was blood. That's right I thought I was bleeding from my ear. So while I started freaking out I remembered the candy and quickly calm down and cleaned my ear up. This is my random story for today for you. You got any good ones?

Boy goo

2010-04-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

Why is it whenever I see either a girl in glasses or a girl with a guitar I turn to boy goo? That sounds really gross, I turn to playdough, a little better sounding. There is just something about either or both of those things together that just tugs my heart strings.

2010-04-01T23:09:00.002-04:00

Either the view count on this blog hasn't been working or the last few months or I have the worst blog right now because today is the first day in a few months that the count has changed. If you're one of the few people that's been on this blog thank you for your time. If not April fools on me.

Freaky

2010-04-01T19:42:00.001-04:00

So I just did this test www.colorgenicstest.com just because it seemed interesting and it was free and freaky enough it reads me perfect right now.

"You are trying to establish yourself and make an impact despite the fact that everything around you seems to be against you - putting up barriers, but don't be unduly concerned: you have the right ideas and come what may, they will soon be manifested and appreciated.

You are willing to try anything once. You 'need to be needed' and what is perhaps more important you 'need to need.' You can only feel close to a person or persons when you feel you can trust them, but this trust needs to be proven to you.

It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you'll have to make the best of things as they are.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

You need to be respected as an exceptional individual. This is the only way that you can hope to achieve the status that you wish to achieve. You set yourself very high standards - and come what may - you abide by them."

2010-03-26T22:19:00.000-04:00

Finally have some 3D glasses, my life for tonight is complete. Well sorta, it would have been more complete with that cute waitress at the restaurant I was at but then would have been the weird explaining how I don’t right now have a real life and “yeah this is my mom and sister, we go everywhere together since I don’t have a car or job” kind of moment. But she was still cute. At least I have the glasses now though.

formspring.me

2010-03-19T14:06:00.001-04:00

I forgot I had this still. http://formspring.me/nosleeptilhome

The Girl.

2010-03-11T15:11:00.001-05:00

It takes time to fully understand things sometimes, for me it hit this morning. For a while now I've been trying to wrap my head around what I want and what I want to do with my life and so on and I realize that I have no real idea what I want to do or want to be anymore. It's different this time because any time before now if there was an idea or a goal it often involved more than what I thought was right, or what I really wanted to do. There was always someone or something else in my mind that I felt I had to help or please in some way. And well if it's for the right reason I guess that's all well and fine but with me it's always led to things being fucking up. I have always blamed myself for everything that's gone wrong and for the most part this thinking is right. I do fuck everything up for myself because I make bad decisions. I tend to choose the wrong thing and end up hurt in the end. It's only taken my 22 years to figure this out. But I think it's the decisions I make because I forget about myself and I do this for you. You being someone else, something else, I'm not singling you out so much as I'm using loose terms. I have this phrase that just repeats in my head over and over again, "the same thing that brings people to you is the same thing that drives them away." It's from a dream I had a couple years ago and recently it's just replayed in my head over and over again. While you like me now, over time you'll realize that I don't really bring much to the table past a good laugh and some late night conversation. You'll get bored with me and find someone better and I'll still be here. It's happen a million times before and it'll happen many more times in my life. And this happens because I have the tendency to choose "the girl" over and over again. The girl tends to be someone I find interesting, maybe an actual girl, maybe not. Now the girl is the "you" of the conversation. But over the last year that "girl" form in my life has disappeared, there is no one thing or person I'm really interested in anymore. This is a strange feeling because it feels like any decision I make now is for me and for some reason that doesn't feel right. I feel like I shouldn't really do things for myself, I feel like I should give and give until I don't feel anything anymore. Which until now I've done. I've put myself out there for you like a puppet on a string and that's left me running around all the time trying to figure out what I've done wrong. All along what I did wrong was I made myself to vulnerable, I've made myself too easy. I'm kind of like the road stop between where you were and what you find next. I throw myself endlessly at you as an option only to really know in the end you will find something better and choose that. And I guess being like that will never get one chosen. This past year trying to be helpful to all those around me has left me alone and feeling pretty fucking hollow inside. Sure there are a small handful of people around me that still care but in the end you'll find yourself bored with me. This has all gone kind of odd hasn't it. When I was thinking in my head what I wanted to say for this it was a lot more angry and dark and somehow my apathetic ass shows up again and I show why I'm so easily walked over time and time again. Maybe this is my life's vicious cycle, I don't know, but it's something that at this point hasn't help me any. I guess I'm just endlessly yours to play or brake as you please.

Indy

2010-02-22T00:01:00.001-05:00

So this, well now past weekend, I went to Indianapolis to visit some friends who said since they started going to school down that I need to come down and check Indy out and I have to say I'm glad I went. There was laughing almost to the point of crying, sleeping on couches, going around awesome places, really bad shoes rubbing skin off the back of my ankles and of course spending time with great friends. Now I need a job so I can save up money and you like move down there because I could see that being a really awesome home. So there is something to work for and towards.

And This Is What You Get With Early Mornings.

2010-01-29T07:50:00.000-05:00

Awake at 6 this morning, but actually well rested. I forgot how cold it is at this time in the morning. Or how dark it is. Or even how quiet it is. It's really been about 3 yrs since I actually woke up at 6 and decided to stay up. I was in high school then which makes me feel really old now. Three years of the same lofty goals; 1) I want to write some songs and figure out something cool to do with them, 2) I want to meet someone interesting enough to remain a challenge the rest of my life, and lastly 3) I want to move to a city where I can do whatever and walk anywhere anytime. And you know I haven't fully accomplished any of these. Sure I still write songs and what not but I can never get anything to sound with them or vise-versa. I met some ladies, really awesome along the way but that never worked out. And I even lived in a big city, well close to one. I lived about 10 miles west of Salt Lake City wishing I could have actually been in the city doing things. Starring at those lights at night. So in a way I've been close, but then it's pulled from me and I look like a fool without accomplishment. I feel like a failure without a prize and a million other analogized things I could make up. But I guess the real problem here is that over this last year and a half or so I've been taken so far away from these almost made goals that I am kind of a failure now. I am nowhere near any kind of goal so much so that I struggle to find a starting line to begin again. I check my phone like a freak out all the time seeing if this job has called me or that job has and I always get nothing. And it's been that way for the last year and a half, it gets really discouraging some days. Kind of like a "nobody wants you" kind of feeling. But it also makes me think of high school again. My mom worked a lot, being as she was and still is a single mom working to do everything. Though things have finally gotten easier for her as she is in a good financial place and has this nice house now and everything for her is good, which makes me really happy. But when I was in school all she ever wanted was for my sister and I to do well. There was never any talk about beyond high school so I guess there was the main problem with everything. She was so busy trying to sustain everything that there was never a push for her kids to do better. I tried to always do go and work my hardest to make my mom happy and never really gave a real thought to after school. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do when it was all over. I will admit that I am a bit of an aimless person most of the time and a lot of the things I do wouldn't and probably don't make sense to a vast majority of people but that's just how I am. The only choice I made then was that I at least wanted to not go to college right away and actually see what life was and I still stand behind that choice 100% to this day. I still want to make those goals I have realities, somewhere in me is that fire still no matter of fucking petty the light flickering is now, it's still there. I still try to write (obviously if you read this you can see that), I still look for that awesome girl and I still want to live in a city where I can pretty much do what I want. After this I will still check my phone like a freak out and wait for that call that'll change everything. So I guess all in all I'm not so far gone now, I just can't see all of what I want or have because I'm still that aimless kid.

Figures

2010-01-17T01:14:00.001-05:00

I really wish there was another time besides 1 in the morning where I could sit alone and have some quiet time. But that would involve having my own place and furnature and whatnot and well I have a dollar to my name
and no job so I’m stuck with 1 am.

Breakers

2010-01-06T14:44:00.001-05:00

So I’ve hit rock bottom, I mean my life can’t get any lower than this. I mean I almost filled out an application for McDonalds. Why did that almost seem like a good idea?

formspring.me

2009-12-28T22:33:00.001-05:00

Ask me something, I mean if you are reading this you have about as much to do as me. http://formspring.me/nosleeptilhome

The Christmas blog should be the 100th one, right?

2009-12-25T01:36:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas guys and gals. I love all of you so here is a sorta gift. It should
make you laugh

The bitter truth

2009-12-18T00:25:00.000-05:00

There is a bitter subject in me my friends, it's been in me a long time. This is mostly because it's a subject most people take personal. It's religion. Now to start out I must say for the most part I'm athesist, I'm not crazy like you're led to believe athesist are. Even if some are, there also crazy religious people. Crazy isn't a specific picking thing, it pretty much spreads over everything and everyone. Growing up my family never went to church. It was just something we didn't do. I really knew nothing about religion until I was in school and even then it didn't mean much to me. Probably because it was nothing I knew about. I had never been in a church until some neigbhors we had decided to take me in as a special project because I was young and they had cool stuff around like wooden dinosaur replicas. I thought there were awesome. But in this process was a deal, they would show me this cool stuff if I went to this church craft making thing with them, of course I went cause I like dinos and wanted to mess with the ones they had. But after the church experience and seeing the dinos I never went back. Being a kid of six I got what I wanted and ran. I guess by today's standards these neighors could have been so much more suspicious, like something you'd see on CSI with missing kids and all but that has nothing to do with this. It wasn't until many years and cities later that religion reentered my life. It was after my parents divorced and my dad being the asshole he is started going to church to try and look like the great father to single women and look like the great tenent to his landlords, which still drag his ass around to this day. I guess this reappearence and divorce really made me see both who my dad was and what religion could really be. He used it to his own advantage. But really he wasn't the only one, a large percent of these people who went there only seem to be there to look better. After awhile when it stopped working for him so much he stop going and he went on being himself. If you can't tell from the times I talk about it I don't like my dad because of who he is. Before this year I didn't talk to him for about three years because of him in jail and I wanted nothing to do with him. Those years were good ones for me. I graduated, lived on my own, had friends and odd experences. Life was good. Then I started looking for jobs and then the religion reentered again in the form of a beautiful girl, well actually a couple. The girls both being very religious people kinda left me in the cold, but didn't keep me from trying and in the end failing. The jobs were few and actually not going to church or holding a religious background kept me from getting a job. I, while not completely sure, think that this lack of religion kept me from getting closer with either of them. Either that or just who I am as a person. I while part of the person I play on here am somewhat a shell of a man from this past year. I mean who wouldn't be after surviving a tornado, having my whole world turned upside down, going from being very on my own to living at home again not being able to find a job or have a car and having most of the people that were in my life disappear. I don't blame anything for all of this, it just is bad timing mixed with everything else. Though it is not a bad thing this happen, this mass cut tie with people showed me who are true people. A more karma like thing. Though the funniest thing now, it really bothered me when it happen, was the fact people were saying they had prayed for me. It's funny now because well my stand point with religion. Then not so much because I was very bitter with the idea of religion and god. Why take all these people, who are good people and toss them to shit? Why take these peoples lives and make them into commercials for your so called awesome weather radar? Why were there other people who only wanted to get in contact with me just because they wanted to use me as a story to make themselves better, while not caring what happen to all these people? But before tornado days and moving were my life I went with a then friend to Utah. Which before I start I will say don't really do unless you are some kind of religious person. It'll make your life so much easier. See going out there with this friend I was pretty much lied to about everything. I was told that everything would be easy no matter who you are, people are nice there and so on. It ended up being so much different, I felt like I walked around with signs on my back that screamed "sinner" and "athesist" when I walked around. The people I stayed with pretty much made my life a hell because I stood for what I believed in. Trying many times to try and drag me to church telling me it would make me feel good. And I lived like this for three months until I found a way home. It was really being out there that made me see that religion is what people use to make themselves look good to fellow people. At least that's what it is to me. I don't mean to offend you in any way this is just how I feel about it. I, in the times I had been in churches and shown religion never felt any different than I do any other day. If it works for you good. Though it leaves me worries, religion that is, not you. Because being a thing so many people hold close it continues to leave me in the cold. I want to find a girl, like so many others and do that whole life thing but it makes it harder with this strike to many already against me. Being as it happen once and will probably happen again. The only thing I can do is stand strong to what I believe and that's about it. I've seen how religion effects people, or more so how people effect it and how it's used in wrong ways. I stand to stay away from it.

The Failures Decree

2009-12-17T10:36:00.002-05:00

I haven't posted much here lately because well there's nothing new to really talk about. I'm sorry to anyone who might have ever checked this blog out, though I doubt there were many. Thank you for your readership. In this next year I'm going to try and spice up this dead life again. So I guess I'll talk to you then, or when the next coolest YouTube comes around.

Hey

2009-12-09T20:27:00.001-05:00

Formspring

Ask me questions, I'll answer anything.

formspring.me

2009-12-09T20:25:00.001-05:00

What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten?

Lotion, I broke my arm a few years ago and while drugged up on pain meds I ate some for some reason.

Ask me anything

Welcome December

2009-12-01T00:06:00.000-05:00

This is the last remaining part of the first guitar I ever bought. It's hard to really see but those pinks and yellows are actually dolphin stickers.

2009-11-24T20:36:00.002-05:00

Before I start this ramble I must say that this picture only relates to what I'm going to say just a little. For a time really unknown to me, probably since the word was first processed in my brain I have always been one to constantly look for updates. Whether it be in an app on my iPod, which I check about every hour for some reason when they actually update once in a great while. To the iPod firmware, to iTunes, every single day I look for a update on my Wii, every 5 seconds I hope for updates or new posts on Tumblr and Facebook and Absolutepunk.net. I don't know why I am always looking for new updates but I sometimes feel like I need them. I want to know what you're going to say or post or think next. I want in your head in the most beautiful way. I'm always waiting. I'm shaky, impatient and willing. I think this need for something new is why I am obsessed with Tumblr, there is always something new here and there are alot of people. It's like getting a sneak preview in someones head, I see what you think and what you like. I guess I'm always looking for someone somewhat like me because for the longest time I felt alone. People thought my hobbies were useless, thought my ideas where crazy. They just didn't get it and then I met a person who could more or less see the same thing as me in a way. Either on the other side of a computer screen or in person my and this person have been friends about 3 or so years. She is the one I run to when I get crazy in the head or need to explain something weird or fucked up. And she comes to me for well pretty much the same thing. I guess we try to keep each other updated on one another alot. For a part of me this updating works but there is still a part of me that wants to be completely fascinated with someone and know everything about them all the time and I kind of want the person to be the same way about me. You know? Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. But dammit I want that update.

A Dream.

2009-11-20T10:30:00.001-05:00

I feel like I dreamt a whole movie in my head last night. All I really remember was I was with this guy and we were kind of runaways that somehow ended up in a school and they were making me give a presentation on what was going on or I’d be arrested or something and they all loved it. At least my movie has a good ending. And the last thing I say before I wake up is “Gallagher is an asshole” and then some song I’ve never heard started playing.

Ps. Gallagher is the comedian who smashes water mellons as part of his gig. So in a true way he's probabaly an asshole.

22

2009-11-14T10:03:00.001-05:00

Wow I just fully realize my birthday is next weekend. I feel really old for not really being old. Time really goes fast when you sleep in.

Bought A Bride

2009-11-12T14:39:00.000-05:00

Some Pictures Just Say It All.

2009-11-11T23:38:00.002-05:00

2009

2009-11-08T02:00:00.002-05:00

So it turns out that you really do keep learning things all the time. I've realize just now there are so many things I've done in this past year I would have thought of last year. These things vary from learning my inner bitterness towards some people in my life, how to correctly paint, how to use a shovle to dig semi trenches and my favorite what things are funny to put down the garbage desposal. Sure there are alot more things but I can't think of them at 2 in the morning. But no matter how much I learn or how far I go I'll always think of you and wish I could have learn the right things there.

Videos All The Time. All The Time

2009-11-03T19:38:00.001-05:00

Ace Enders and Jeff Kummer played The Early November's "I Want to Hear You Sad"

2009-10-30T13:48:00.002-04:00

So when I saw this I knew I had to post this pretty much everywhere I internet. The Early November and me have a long past, I saw them in 2006 right before they broke up and there is another 6 or so years of listening to them. I would be lying if I didn't day I still love them as much now as ever. But here's this youtube for you.

Pumpkin Carvings

2009-10-26T14:06:00.003-04:00

So Saturday was full of stuff in which I got this exercise bike that kicked my ass today.

Pumpkin carving number 1. Funny story about this one last night a deer ate the whole design out of the pumpkin. So now I swear if I ever see a deer it’s getting punched in the snout.

Number 2, going more classic. Also meaning all the cool carving tools got broken.

Number 3, the monkey looking pumpkin.

Yellow.

2009-10-21T14:17:00.000-04:00

These are what I see when I look out my window. It’s pretty nice and makes me whole room glow yellow.

2009-10-19T19:24:00.001-04:00

Dream

2009-10-18T10:04:00.001-04:00

Have you ever had a dream that seem so real that you wake up feeling weird about it?

See right before I woke I was having a dream I was in a car with some people and there was this girl I've known for some time now, haven't talked to in a while and that I still think about alot cause I guess I always thought of her as the perfect girl for me. But anyways I'm digressing, we're all in the car and I'm trying to be all "Mr. Personality" to everyone and the girl is kinda hanging out the window. So I roll mine down and tell her that she's pretty looking and she calls me out on the "Mr. Personality" thing and starts to ask me if I was any different from a few years before and that she waited for me to say something to her and then I woke. I woke up feeling weird about it. Maybe cause I still think of this girl the same way and I've been trying to kind of change in a good way.

But anyways have you ever had a dream that just personally shock you like mine?

Further Proof That I Might Actually Be 12.

2009-10-17T22:45:00.003-04:00

So today the family and I went to Ft Wayne and this usually means there was some stuff bought and it's usually good stuff.

Including the new Death Cab For Cutie EP "The Open Door"

The new Relient K cd "Forget And Not Slow Down"

And a Nintendo Wii, I have to say that I'm really giddy about all of this stuff and it will be hours of fun and entertainment. You can come over if you want and play some Wii. It's alot of fun.

In Exile

2009-10-16T21:03:00.001-04:00

Burning eyes, this is starting to become too much of a habit. It’s from too many nights up way too late. I have no reason to be up early anymore, hell I have no reason to be up before 10 am most days. If I woke up before then it wouldn’t be worth it, not worth hearing more complaining and aching. You know what it’s straight up bitching there’s no way to get around the truth, if I don’t listen I piss everyone off again. If I do listen I just get depressed because it’s either the same thing I heard yesterday or it’s just so negative that I drown in it. The only high part of a day before noon is going outside and doing my little workout or whatever you want to call it. It’s really the only time I get to be alone, I get to spent half an hour just by myself. So what if I’m walking around in circles, I get to think. I get to relieve my mind. It’s funny thinking back to a conversation I had with a friend earlier in the week, I think of telling her how I’ve felt lately and the only thing she could think to tell me was I need to get out, I need a place of my own. I do need a place of my own but it’s just not possible right now, I wish it was, I wish I could just get up right now and grab my shit and leave. I can’t talk about this with my mom or sister, they are part of this problem and well most of the time they don’t want to hear my problems. Hell I can’t even have an opinion around them, I can’t think something I’ve done it bad, I can’t have anything my own. I think that’s the hardest part of being here. Yet I’m suppose to listen to every single word they say or again I’m pissing someone off. I’m always the bad guy no matter what, the tool, the asshole however you want to see it. It’s all pretty much the same. I don’t remember the last time I was able to do something on my own. I want to, in addition to having opinion, want to go to a store alone, eating a meal alone, go to a movie alone, just walk around however I want to. Being around them is having to always be edited in a way, it also means I look like I’m 15. Most guys just have to worry about if their liked or not, I get a fun added burden I look like I’m 15 walking around a store with my mom and sister. Let me tell you that really makes me look like a catch. Which also bring to mind another thing I talked about the other day, I think my exact words were that I hated pretty girls because I already look 15 and with the mom and sister in tow I look like I might not even be in high school so I pretty much can cancel any kind of love life out. Which I must say is pretty shitty being that I’m almost 22. Yeah wrap your mind around that as you see a little picture of me in the corner of the screen, I’m almost 22. I can’t believe somedays. I don’t really know where the past 21 years have really went, I do actually know but well I’ve talked about those things too many times. I do have to say it feels good to write like this again, I haven’t done this for so long. I just really miss being allowed to be a person how shows how they feel, I miss being funny and vulgar and sleeping a night to wake up excited to see what is going to happen. Maybe it’ll happen someday, maybe someday I’ll have a reason to stop hating pretty girls. But I guess we’ll see.

“My heart is filled with songs of forever
A city that endures, where all is made new
And no I don’t belong here
I’ll never call this place my home
I’m just passing through”

In Exile - Thrice.

My Neighborhood

2009-10-16T20:00:00.000-04:00

New Phone.

2009-10-15T20:42:00.003-04:00

So yesterday I ordered a new cell phone and with the advances of the postal service I got it today, this is a picture of it from my old phone that I took when I couldn't figure out how to activate the new one. I got it all figured out and this phone is just about the same as my old one so there's not alot new to learn. But I can take panoramic pictures with the new one so that should be fun.

And I saw this the other day at the grocery store in a red box thing and had to get a picture of it.

Panoramic of my room from phone.

Questions And Answers

2009-10-14T23:38:00.004-04:00

Have you ever wanted to ask me a question? Yeah I realize that's a question but if you ever have you can how and I won't know who you are, unless well you want me to but I guess that's your choice.

But anyways if you go to the link below you can ask anything anonymously and I'll answer.

Here

ps If you do this put that it was from blogger so I know where to put the answer.

Born And Raised.

2009-10-13T20:21:00.001-04:00

Alexisonfire - Born And Raised.

Thrice

2009-10-12T14:28:00.001-04:00

Dustin Kensrue of Thrice, this man is amazing. Someday, somehow I will see them live. I just have to. This band is amazing.

2009-10-12T14:09:00.001-04:00

You Stole

2009-10-08T17:58:00.001-04:00

Great, great album. Especially stated song

Ha Ha

2009-10-06T23:15:00.001-04:00

Lately I talk about one thing and want another. As a person I talk about a future and wanting to have alot of things in it (ie; people, relations and what have yous) and I talk about my current problems like anxiety. But to e really honest lately all I feel like being is completely alone. You know like you wake up just by yourself, you do what you want an no one is around to discourage you. You don't check your phone cause no one's calling. There's no need to check email cause nothings coming. That alone. I miss more than having someone around having no one at all around. There was less stress in my life when my sister was in school and my mom left for work. I could write, play video games, walk around without pants or walk with pants, play guitar as loud or as long as I wanted and I could watch Mythbusters everyday. I miss being one person more than I want to think about being someone elses plus one. And there you have it.

Mary Without Sound

2009-10-06T20:34:00.001-04:00

2009-10-05T20:44:00.000-04:00

A new City And Colour song, this sounds AMAZING, can’t wait for some new City And Colour, cause the last record was good and so was the last Alexis album.

It's Always Something.

2009-10-04T12:11:00.001-04:00

The calmest I've been lately is in the last two nights, both times sitting around waiting for a panic attack to pass. It's funny in a way, it's cold but the only way to pass is to hold something icy to my midsection. The only way to fight fire is with fire, right? Normally there is one attack for a couple months so this increase of two in one week is probably going to set me up for the rest of the year. I know why this has happen lately though; agoraphobia thinking I've never going to go anywhere in life, stressed out by a family member that continues to cut me off and makes me feel like I can't do anything and well eating before I go to bed. Though when I wake up with that tight feeling in my chest and I'm breathing a little harder I know exactly what's going on, I can keep calm during this. It's going to sound bad but it's pretty fucked up. When I should be losing my mind I'm not. I forget what it's like to be wanted around, to be actually happy, to sleep a whole night. Where did I go wrong with everything? I don't know anymore, I don't really care anymore. I just want to, at least once wake up and feel happy about actually being somewhere. Maybe be around someone happy. Yet I feel like I'm asking for too much, I always am. To think of anything is to be asking for too much. To speak my mind is being made to feel like I killed someone. I always find my self back here again, why am I surprised anymore. As long as I'm here it'll keep happening, only because people don't actually change by chance or luck. You have to want that kind of thing. I want it, I always want something. Except the older I get the less and less it's something inanimate and it's a want of something real. I want something to wake up to in the morning. Will I get it, I don't know. But I guess I'll keep looking.

Heart To Heart.

2009-10-01T14:21:00.001-04:00

I haven't eaten cereal in a long, long time until I had this. Highly recommended.

John Nolan.

2009-09-29T22:09:00.001-04:00

The Positives

2009-09-29T20:36:00.001-04:00

There’s something about this guy, he can do no wrong. Person L has a new song, pretty good. Check it out here

A New Hope

2009-09-26T15:57:00.001-04:00

For the first time ever I hope something my dad said was true. Fast story on my past with him; he was pretty much not around in my childhood, right before I graduated he was put in jail, we didn't talk for 3 yrs which I was happy with, finally last summer I got stuck out west and needed to come home so I started talking to him to get home and since then he's bothered us (my mom, sister and me) which brings us to today. He likes to email my sister various useless thing and today like usual he sent her an email but this said that for once he sees that we've gone different ways and if he can ever get a job again he's going to pay back everyone he owes and he's going to move to Florida to bother his other kids there. I hope this really happens.

At The Bottom

2009-09-23T20:28:00.001-04:00

2009-09-18T20:57:00.001-04:00

Brand New - "Jesus" (Daisy sessions) from The Old Man and the Seymour on Vimeo.

Valencia - Carry On from videos on Vimeo.

Keychain

2009-09-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

This is kind of blurry but this keychain is awesome, got it about two years ago when I went to see The Starting Line and Paramore. Yeah I said Paramore and I’m a guy I don’t know what you can make of that but it is what it is. But anyways the keychain, I got it “free” because while in the merch line with my friends I was with I, who didn’t buy anything gave the Starting Line merch guy $5 for just being alive. If I have the extra cash I always like to give them whatever cause they deal with alot of shit from kids. While he was glad for the tip for nothing he felt that he needed to give me something so he gave me this keychain. I need some keys so I can actually use it but it’s just a reminder of good times with good friends and shows how awesome people can be. Miss the Starting Line.

The Best $5.99 Spent Lately

2009-09-17T20:34:00.003-04:00

I was at Owen's today, it's a grocery store, and I found this for super cheap. Very excited. 40 episodes so that means hours and hours of entertainment.

Good Friends, Bad Habits

2009-09-15T20:55:00.001-04:00

Paper Cut Outs

2009-09-15T20:22:00.002-04:00

Check this out. It's pretty cool.

2009-09-14T10:42:00.000-04:00

This is pretty awesome, San Francisco to Washington D.C. in 4-and-a-half minutes

brand new

2009-09-12T23:32:00.001-04:00

2009-09-09T00:04:00.002-04:00

Allow me to get sappy for a moment. Probably one of the biggest things from my childhood I remember as good. If only I was half the man you were Mr. Rogers.

Saturday, Man I'm Tired.

2009-09-06T00:11:00.003-04:00

So today I was in Ft Wayne and had some money on me and well I haven't been really keeping up on new cds. You know since I have nothing else to really spend money on I buy alot, I mean alot of cds. And these were the newest additions to the family. They'll be getting alot of spin.

Matt And Kim - Grand (Hopefully I didn't really need to put this here and you can read)

Alexisonfire - Old Crows/Young Cardinals

As Tall As Lions - You Can't Take It With You

Besides those I also got a new jacket, a track jacket. Secretly I've always wanted a track jacket I just never got one until today. Thank you Target for making dreams come true.

Lastly I am a building machine, in the last two days I've put together both a new desk and a new entertainment center, all by myself because I'm both crazy and self do it.

Taking One For The Team.

2009-09-03T21:08:00.002-04:00

So over the last couple of days I think I've acquired about 20 to 25 different mosquito bites so I've been trying to stay away from outside. Which is a shame because we have an awesome outside area that's great to see the sky at night. But the itching, it's really getting to me and normally I itch so much that I end up bleeding. I know that sounds bad, really bad. But the less amount I have the less itching, meaning the less bleeding, meaning a happier me. So if you actually read all of this then the video I'm about to put on here is like a gift and "thank you" for doing that and reading my usual geeking out.

Best Supporting Actress by ONE FOR THE TEAM from TAPES FOR LIFE on Vimeo.

2009-09-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

Disposal. from Hutter on Vimeo.

Week's End.

2009-08-30T22:01:00.004-04:00

Hello,

I haven't done this in awhile but these are what I've been listening to alot this week. Since I couldn't bring it down to one record or band you're getting a good list.

All of which are super good albums, The Starting Line might be one of my favorites of these 4 but that's because they are one of my favorites.

Sometimes the night hits and you want something fun, what's more fun than standing infront of a microwave waiting for...

POPCORN!!!

First Half Of Saturday.

2009-08-29T15:05:00.003-04:00

The new cutter things I forgot the name of already we got last night.

What I ended up doing with them. I guess I am a butcher.

But the trash can looks pretty cool.

A chair I'm working on.

And one I finished not too long ago.

Recycling.

One of two in the whole world.

Lastly, the latest Goodwill find.

2009-08-24T22:59:00.002-04:00

Hello,

How are you? It seems like it's been so long since there was anything wrote wrote here. You know like just a whole spew of words, in a sense a blog. No pictures, but probably full of shenanigans. And to really start the last few days I've been working on something. I've in a way found a new little trade that I'm good at, at least I've done it once and I'm trying to do it again. It's re-upholstering chairs. I know it sounds super manly right? I don't play masculinity roles, I just do what I want and I happen to be able to do it once and I'm trying it again. Between this chair that I've started and the one I did it's like going from 10 to 100 mph. But I will not be defeated by a chair. Besides that there have been concerts, day trips so cities I don't live in, recycling, job applications and just casual thinking.

The Rock Show.

2009-08-21T23:22:00.003-04:00

This, besides my ticket stub is the kind of show proof of seeing blink-182. Which in reality is my uber excited kid like joy that I saw them. Probably the best concert I've ever been to ever, I mean it's not everyday that you find out you were part of a crowd of 14,000. So thank you to everyone involved with last night, it meant the world to me.

Celebration.

2009-08-19T17:45:00.002-04:00

So it's either tomorrow or the day after, I don't remember which but either or those days makes a year since I left Utah last summer. To say things have been crazy would be an understatement, alot of changing things, most in the life section of things but you can't ever expect those things. But unintentionally until right now to mark this change in things this ticket you see above is going to be a somewhat celebration of all of this, at least for me anyways. I mean what better way to celebrate something than seeing a band that's always been one of my favorites. So here's to a year back, a life in new persective and finally seeing blink-182 after fangirling then the last 10 yrs.

Copeland Daytrotter Session

2009-08-18T22:40:00.002-04:00

This is what i'm listening to right now. Daytrotter usually has good bands but this one with Copeland is amazing. And even better you can dowload it on there like I did.

Goodwill.

2009-08-15T23:31:00.004-04:00

Sometimes you go to Goodwill and you find amazing things, today was no different

A $2.50 guitar bag, you know cause you never know when something like that might come in handy.

A super old tennis racket

It happens to be named "Miss America"

A VW shirt

And a reading shirt from Warsaw High School.

All in all thank you Goodwill, you totally made my day.

A Finished Product.

2009-08-13T11:48:00.003-04:00

Even If It Kills Me.

2009-08-12T20:32:00.002-04:00

This dude now is staying in the garage here.

These are some pictures of a van that's parked outside my house right now. One looks alittle more artistic than the other.

And these guys are mainly what I've been listening to today, Motion City Soundtrack

Things I Forget I Had...

2009-08-11T10:59:00.006-04:00

So I said I was going to do this thing where when I was unpacking I would take pictures of things I have that I forgot about and then I forgot all about it. We've been in this new house for about a week now and I remembered the things I forgot about and here they are...

A stolen, that sounds bad, a borrowed McDonalds Leap Year Chicken Nugget sign.

The Grey Man, actually a thing from Wal-Mart I spray painted silver. But if you know Copeland than you might be the grey man thing.

Kind of the same thing as the last thing but this is a skull painted purple.

A baseball substitute I borrowed from Paiges Crossing and a real baseball I got from a Wizards game long ago.

A practice drum pad I got at goodwill afew years ago, I started drawling on it when I found it hints the picture.

A collection of different bottles.

My glow in the dark Mammoth, I've had this for like 10 years. Still awesome and still glows at night.

A little baggy fully of band and misc buttons, I need a coat to put some of these on.

A schedual for the newly renamed Ft. Wayne baseball team, I like baseball but have yet to go to see them play.

Actual books that are not telling me how to put something together.

A toy knife with real stabbing action.

A bridge I made for physics in high school, it's still as strong as ever.

A yo-yo my sister got signed for me by Motion City Soundtrack.

Quite possibly the coolest gift I ever got, this isn't old but I am crazy about it and Mini Coopers. Thanks Whitley for this.

A desk to call my own with the other half of my bottle collection and my geek out toys, you'll note some ninja turtles there and maybe Mario and Luigi, maybe alittle Christmas tree with Yoshi and various other things.

Oh and an actual room that is mine. This is probably the most exciting thing I've found after moving.

This Is What Happens When Someone Is Left Alone At 1 In The Morning With Solar Lights With New Batteries.

2009-08-10T11:42:00.004-04:00

This is where it began.

And these are the aftermath.

The Last Few Days.

2009-08-09T22:51:00.003-04:00

Hello,

So like a title will suggest, at least this one anyways, it's been a few days. Alot has happen in these last few days. Everything from moving, to unpacking, going on long walks, messing around at lakes that are within a short distance, resturants and good friends. It's been a whirlwind of things going on, but in the best way. I hope things don't slow down, never slow down. Coming weeks have concerts, job hunts and hopefully more fun.

p.s. The coolest birthday set ever, I think yes.

10

2009-08-06T22:57:00.003-04:00

So I was on here and just had to put it up somewhere and that somewhere is here. Enjoy.

The 10 mysteries of human behaviour that science can't explain

1 - Blushing: Charles Darwin struggled to explain why evolution made us turn red when we lie, which alerts others. However, some think it may help diffuse confrontation or foster intimacy by revealing weakness.

2 - Laughter: mood-improving endorphins are released when we laugh, which seems an obvious reason to do it but a 10-year study muddied the waters when it found more laughter is produced by banal comments than jokes.

3 - Kissing: the explanation for kissing is unlikely to be genetic as not all human societies do it. There are theories that it is associated with memories of breastfeeding and that ancient humans weaned their children by feeding them from their mouths, which reinforced the link between sharing saliva and pleasure.

4 - Dreaming: Sigmund Freud’s theory of dreams expressing our subconscious desires have been generally discredited and it is recognised that they help us process emotions, but the reason why we see such strange visions has not been properly explained.

5 - Superstition: unusual but reassuring habits make no evolutionary sense; however, ancient humans would have benefited from not dismissing a lion’s rustle in the grass as a gust of wind. Religion seems to tap into this impulse.

6 - Picking your nose: the unappealing but common habit of ingesting ‘nasal detritus’ offers almost no nutritional benefit, so why do a quarter of teenagers do it, on average four times a day? Some think it boosts the immune system.

7 - Adolescence: no other animal undergoes the stroppy, unpredictable teenage years. Some suggest it helps our large brain reorganise itself before adulthood or that it allows experimentation in behaviour before the responsibility of later years.

8 - Altruism: giving things away with no certain return is odd behaviour in evolutionary terms. It may help with group bonding or simply give pleasure.

9 - Art: painting, dance, sculpture and music could all be the human equivalent of a peacock’s tail in showing what a good potential mate someone is. However, it could also be a tool for spreading knowledge or sharing experience.

10 - Body hair: fine hair on the body and thick hair on the genitals is the opposite of what occurs in primates, our close animal relatives. Suggested reasons for pubic hair include a role in radiating scent, providing warmth or even protecting from chafing.

RIP's and new beginnings.

2009-08-03T22:49:00.002-04:00

Goodbye old friends, you led me many of good times. Warped tours, strange new cities, half of high school. Five years of good and bad.

R.I.P.

you will be missed

This is how pretty much everything in this apartment looks now. Boy do I love moving... Can you hint the sarcasm?

Hell Or High Water.

2009-07-31T23:58:00.005-04:00

So this week I've been listening to this alot since I bought it

I don't know why I didn't get it sooner, like before they broke up. It's amazing and will get a whole lot more listens just like their last cd has of late.

-

I've spent the better part of this week thinking alot, I guess I've spent the better part of the last 5 months thinking but you know thinking is one of those things that can really make a person or break them. In the past it's been on of those things that has completely broken me and for some reason when it's happen I've made it very out in the open for pretty much anyone and everyone to read. I think it's possible that this has been a reason that pretty much anyone that knows of this silly internet existence I have and anyone I know that would read what I write could be, well turned off in spending alot of time with me. Up to this point everything that's ever happen to me has kind of built up and made me into this crazy, fast talking, sailor mouthed kid that's well not in the direction I thought I'd be going into in the future. But I guess unknown things will happen and what happens after those things you can't really help. I've been crazy the last few years to a point where I've almost been manic, it's led to anxiety problems every once and a while and made for some really long nights regretting what I've said sometimes. The anxiety has been, well, an interesting thing. But I guess it always will be, it's always weird when you wake in the middle of the night thinking you're going to die on Christmas. Or even weirder when you know what is going on and know how stop it but the odd looks you when you pull a bottle of ice from under your shirt when you feel fine again. These are just a handful of things that have made the time before I moved interesting. After I moved due to unforeseen things I didn't know what to really expect with friends and such things, besides friends I didn't have anything holding me to that place. Family came with because at this point we're kind of like a team, so for now until I get myself able we are a family in one house (mom, sister and me). You would never really guess but moving 20 miles away has pretty much made everyone I've ever know to stop talking to me with the exception of 5 or so people. This is kind of funny to me, but it's also made me see that the people that are gone now are people that can be lived without for the most part. Though it's been weird to have a lot less people to catch up with I must say. I still have friends around that are like the backbone to my deep, crazy mind that I don't always share anymore. With prospects changing soon it's led me to discover that I will probably start meeting more people again, new people to share these crazy things with, still with keeping the important other people in the loop as well. Things will be different and hopefully I can change in a way that can accept these changes and make the best of them, I want to but actually getting it going is a different kind of thing. I guess as long as I have my backbone in things I can do it. But this is a story and it has to go somewhere...

p.s. I know this won't really fit with everything that's led to the p.s. but I saw this and it got me excited, I want a Wii anyways to feed the little kidness that's inside me and this only got it going more.

Height Issues.

2009-07-29T21:04:00.003-04:00

Just as a potential warning to what this might become, which at this moment I don't know exactly, but I will start it with a story from today. Today my mom, sister and me were in Ft Wayne and we were going around places and I usually go to Hot Topic to buy cd's now since there are really no other stores that sell what I buy, but if you've ever been in there the A's thru like F or so are about the highest racks in the world. At least it's that way to 5' 8" me, I have to stand on my tip toes to see about half way back and the rest is just a pull up and put down game from there back. I have to say that my height is the one thing I really hold a grudge about with the world. It usually determines how old you actually look, for me the usual age I get is I look like I'm 16 and this usually upsets me and it's irritating when you meet a girl and the sole reason she can give someone else about not being interested in you is how tall you are, I could probably take anything else like "yeah he had a bad personality" or really anything like that but really how tall I am. The single thing you really can't change. It's pretty stupid I know but it's irritating when someone asks if you're excited to start high school because of how tall you are giving you the age you appear to be. Now for all of this there was some headway the other day while with my mom going to get insurance since we are days away from closing on a house and moving and all that mess, the insurance man thought that I was old enough that I might be out all on my own asking me if I would be able to see this new place we're getting and I have to say that made me feel good. Then came tonight, as much as I love my mom she can say some pretty hurtful things sometimes. We're watching So You Think You Can Dance and there is a guy on there that is what I would say was about my height and my mom said that she'd like it if he was off the show just because of his height because in her words "wouldn't you rather see taller guys and whatnot dancing?" It wasn't even about me but I guess it's the personal take on height that got under my skin. I don't know, like I said this is probably all stupid to be even thinking about but it's what I do.

And This Is What I Did While I Waited...

2009-07-27T17:58:00.003-04:00

I got these at a garage sale a few years ago, thank you Nintendo and the year 1986 for these.